Mind Cage


While going through the emotional struggle of separation from my children I can not help but to experience that my mind is in constant agony, it's like a psychological terror of a mind cage: knowing where your children are, knowing who they are with, and being free, yet not free to call them, talk to them or see them. 

One thing is when you are incarcerated.  Either you are punished for something you did, or you are waiting for the outcome of the allegations - you are not free to go.  But when you are free, you are at home, and you constantly have to fight the feeling of "all I have to do is" or "all they have to do is" and you cannot let yourself do anything, because there are consequences to your natural desire to be with your child, it is not only heartbreaking but extremely torturing.

I can't help to think to myself all the time: are all the people that made this happen enjoying themselves right now?  I can't help but to try to picture them sitting at the table with their families, or with my children and trying to justify what they did by actions, presents, words, lies...  What are they saying to each other?   " Oh, I am so glad, those people will not be able to see their child for 13 years! We did such a great job! Jesus will welcome us with open hands! God is so pleased with us!"

What are they telling my children right now?  "Your mom deserved it!  You don't need her.  You are better off here.  You are safer.  You are..."  what?...  

What do these people think my children feel right now??!!!

What can the child feel when the child is forced not to be with the parent, forced not to talk to the parent, forced to forget the parent???  

Nothing but agony...

Children are stronger than adults in many ways, they don't have a very good perception of time yet, they live the life in the moment and they stay happy with very little...that doesn't stop them from constantly being in pain of being forced not to be with their mother or a father.

The funny thing, I find that if the tables would turn and we are all on the opposite ends, if those that have my children right now would  miss their children - they would be begging me for forgiveness.  Jesus said we have to forgive our enemies... 

Is that what this is?  My challenge to forgive before the wrong can be made right?  Can I?...  Will I find the strength to be that forgiving? ... 

I see many scenarios in my head, and when my children are back home I can see myself easily letting go of all the past feelings, of all the pain and simply moving on; but the challenge is - can I do that while my children are gone not knowing if I ever see them again?

That is my Mind Cage.  I am trapped in my mind with the desire to let go and forgive while simultaneously in pain and anger.

I want to share the contemplation that came into my mind yesterday of what I think the people that have my children are like right this second:

"From The Throne of My Majesty here I am surrounded by my advisors applauded by the minions of my imaginable kingdom, I am the King of Destiny, the King of Creation and All Life..."

From one human to another: you are just another bitter soul unable to let go...

Welcome to the real World. 

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